Sunday afternoon I went on a date with my son.  We had a great time!  I let him choose where to eat and what to do afterwards.  He almost couldn’t believe it – he was in control of pretty much everything! You could just feel his excitement!

For our date, Spencer chose a local Mexican restaurant, followed by a movie.  We had a great time just talking and hanging out – just the two of us. In fact, after the movie, he wasn’t ready to go home yet – he wanted to walk around the mall for a while!

Now, we’ve done things without Brad and Ellie before, but it has been a while.  It’s way more common for Brad and Spencer to head to Buffalo Wild-Wings for talks over the hottest wings they can handle.  Or, for Ellie and me to head to Justice or Claire’s in search of the latest toy craze. So, for it to be just Spencer and me – alone for the entire afternoon – it was awesome!

So, as I was reviewing the great time I had on Spencer’s and my date, I realized a few pretty key things.  The time we spent together really shed a lot of light as to what was in his head – and his heart.

What was he thinking?

It’s really interesting how the dynamics change when it’s just one parent and one child.  Once you start adding more family members, more filters turn on, and behaviors can change.  When the four of us are together, Spencer is way more careful about what comes out of his mouth.  Whether he is trying to appear more manly at times in front of Brad, or just older when Ellie is around, he is sometimes different than how he was on Sunday.

When it was just the two of us, Spencer was very open and shared his feelings more easily.  The time we spent together really shed a lot of light as to what was in his head.  While some of it made me scratch mine, it was so nice to get a rare glimpse into how our son thinks and feels.

He wants to talk, I just need to stop and listen…

Have you ever noticed the harder you push people to open up, the more stubborn they can be? Well, the same is true for our kids. Sometimes, the more we ask them questions and try to get them to share, the more clam-like they become.

So, when Spencer and I were on our date, it was hard for me to stop asking question after question.  We only had a short time together, and I was trying my best to learn as much as possible about him and how he was feeling – about everything!  But, I realized after a little bit that the less I talked, the more he did. In fact, as we were on our way home, I reminded myself, once again, to stop talking!  After about a minute he started and talked nonstop until we pulled in the driveway.

I was honestly amazed at the amount he shared in such a short period of time!  It was if he had just been waiting for me to be quiet so he could tell me everything before we got home!

It’s all good

Right after we had Spencer, my parents gave us New Parent Power, by John Rosemond. Over the years, Brad and I have turned to it as a reference when different issues or questions would come up and have gained a lot of great insights.

As I was looking through it this morning, I realized that Spencer is not alone in the way he chooses to open up.  In one section, Rosemond wrote about giving your child an open invitation to talk if he wants to – we’ll be there when he’s ready.

Apparently, I just need to keep reminding myself to stop talking, be patient, and be ready to listen for when the time is right.

Now, that certainly doesn’t mean that there won’t be any questions along the way, I just need to make sure I leave opportunities for Spencer to share, too.  We need to keep reminding the kids that they can come to us with anything, and we will listen.

What now?

As our kids keep getting older and going through all of the stages in their development, Brad and I will continue to go on dates with our kids.  While it’s definitely not easy at this point, we know there will be more challenging times ahead.  That’s why we are so focused on keeping those lines of communication open.  It is so important for our kids to know that, no matter what, we are here for them and ready to listen – whenever they’re ready to talk.

Your thoughts?

How about you – do you go on dates with your children?  What do you find helps them open up the best?  I would love to hear your challenges and successes.  We are always looking for new and better ways to connect with our kids!  I can’t wait to hear from you all!