Silence

For more months than I would like to admit, that’s what God heard from me. Not complete silence, but compared to how I had been communicating with Him before, I’m thinking He noticed. I know I did.

In the beginning of December, I had back surgery. It was one of those things that was inevitable at some point. And, I had tried every single conservative option – at least once. So, when I was offered the date of December 8th, I figured I could hide my very fashionable back brace (a requirement until March 8 – but who’s counting?) under sweaters, I took it.

If you look back at the posts on this blog, you’ll notice that the last time I posted was on The Birthday of our Baptism. Yep. That was in October. It has been 85 days since I wrote anything. 85 days!

Granted, over the last month I have been recovering from a pretty major surgery – and, celebrating one of the best Christmases I have EVER had – but that still leaves about 55.  And even that is a big number.  I’m having a hard time getting past it…

Effects of Silence

There were many nights (and days) when I would just get this massive pit in my stomach because I wasn’t doing what I knew I was supposed to be doing… I really believe God wants me to write – everything seems to be circling back to this. But I wasn’t. And, on top of that, I wasn’t faithfully having quiet times. And, to make matters even worse, the last month before surgery, I wasn’t even able to go to church because I couldn’t sit for that long.

So, if you add all that together, throw in a lot of depression and fear, and mix in a little anger – it was the perfect recipe for silence. A recipe that just kept doubling and tripling in size.  After a very short time, it became harder and harder to do the things needed to keep up my relationship with God.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I knew that my body was not working. It was pretty broken, and most of the things I wanted to do just couldn’t be done. But, if I am completely honest, I could’ve written something… Yes, I was taking medication, and felt tired and drained from the pain. But, I could’ve at least prayed more… And, even though I was taking all the steps to get through the process, and I was in the hands of one of the best surgeons anyone could ever ask for, I could have been praising God – all the time…

But, did I do any of those things? Nope.

And, I knew I should have been. Every night when Brad and I would pray before going to sleep, I would feel it. I knew talking to God was right, and I wasn’t doing it on my own. I should have been, but it was hard.

It was hard to want to write. It felt almost impossible to pray on my own. And, as far as praising God went… well, sadly, I failed miserably at that one, too.

How convicting.

God is Good

I really thought I would be one of those people who would be out there singing God’s praises no matter what came my way. After all, I really clung to Him was faithful during my breast cancer scare. So what made it different this time? The length of time it went on? It was about 6 months.

6 months.

In the grand scheme of things, 6 months isn’t even a blink of an eye. Within that time I reached my limit of faithfulness? What does that say about me?

And then, when I think about God and His faithfulness, I am SO grateful. Six months versus eternity (or at least 2000+ years – same difference…). God wins. Every time.

For that, I am so thankful.

God is so good. He gives us the salvation we so desperately need because we can’t do it on our own. My goodness! After just six months, I’m out?!? I’m 41 years old. How many times have I failed the test of time? How many times has God?

He is the rock. He is the One who gives us everything we need. And, I am so grateful it is not based on merit. If that were the case, I would get nothing.

No, for being saved is a gift; if a person could earn it by being good, then it wouldn’t be free – but it is! It is given to those who do not work for it. For God declares sinners to be good in His sight if they have faith in Christ to save them from God’s wrath.                                            Romans 4:4-5 LAB

Even though I have faith that He will save me, I still need to talk to Him.  I need to work on rebuilding my relationship with Him.

The best place I’ve found to reconnect? My Living Room…

My Living Room

For Christmas, I received a little book from my parents entitled, My Heart, Christ’s Home. It is a great book by Robert Boyd Munger. The story has evolved over the years from a sermon Munger gave 70 years ago. After hearing the sermon, people were asking for copies because the message was so impactful. And now I see why.

One section of the book, The Living Room was one of the most powerful things I have read. You see, The Living Room is the area of your heart reserved for quiet times with God. Mr. Munger painted a beautiful picture of a cozy room with a fireplace and comfy chairs. You could almost feel the warmth and the feeling of peace. Yet, in our crazy and chaotic lives, we frequently walk past the room without a sideways glance. (I went days and even weeks without peeking in to see if I had a guest…)

But, when we stop and actually look up, guess who is there? God. Of course, He is! Remember how faithful and true He is? He just patiently waits for us to figure it out and come back to Him.

Don’t you see how wonderfully kind, tolerant, and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you? Can’t you see that His kindness is intended to turn you from your sin?                          Romans 2:4 NLT

What I learned and am still learning…

Once again, God wins. He has the staying power and faith in us that completely amazes me. He truly wants a relationship with us, so He will wait and wait until we wake up and come join Him in The Living Room.

God is looking for those with changed hearts and minds….                           Romans 2:29 LAB

In the end, I realized I was never really all that far away. I just needed to break the silence. And, in doing so, show my faithfulness to the One who will never let me down.

Your thoughts

What do you think? How has God shown you that He has been faithfully waiting for you? I would love to hear what verses you have found that show His desire to have a relationship with you. I can’t wait to hear from all of you!